Numbers...

Another one.

Another x to add to the list.
Now the long list...
Longer than I would have ever predicted it 10 years ago.

I remember wondering, what I`d be like 10 years from then, what i`d be doing, where i`d be living, who i`d be with... All these questions... Now answered for myself.

I think as the days go by, and I think more about the things that I do, it brings a great deal of self aware solitude... but it also makes me realize the kind of person I may possibly turn into. It frightens me, but when I give my all, and the people I give it to are undeserving it makes me want to stop trying and give up completely and opt for the `easy` road of carelessness.

This year:
-J R (that one was way too confusing -decided i wouldnt date a friend)
-J M de V (this was also a bad idea, decided i`d give my ex best friend a chance-also bad idea)
-D (Good chemistry, I was interested until i found out he was a liar and a player)
-A B (I regret it, after we slept together he told me he had a gf. Conniving son of a bitch)
-S K (wanted something more... unfortunately later came up with commitment excused -suprisingly he`s still in my life, He`s a strange one)
-G P (wanted something more, he treated me very kindly, just not bf material--too busy)
-A C (too ego-centric, date went bad)
-T D (too ego-centric but also put on an act and lied.)

That`s almost a man per month.


-I`m not too sure, but I think that does it... and I can`t really believe it.
So many people, yet the whole time I was just searching for one thing. Some were nothing but lovers I slept with because I had realized they weren`t the one, so I might as well get something out of it. Others, I really wanted something with, and I hoped it would get serious and things would go better for both.
Unfortunately, nothing happened.

This reminds me of something `Tangie` from `For Colored girls` says...

Tangie: You can't love somebody with that much hurt in them. I'm learning that more and more. I don't know what's wrong with me. My dependency on other human beings for love. I survive on intimacy, and tomorrow that's all I've got going. It's all I've got!

So for this year, I`d like to put an end to it. That`s it for me... I may do like my friend Melanie and simply stop... revirginize myself. And not touch anyone, until I really feel strongly for them. Like I once did.

It`s hard to be a person like me, I find I feel strongly for people, but I dislike expressing it verbally, because I would get reprimanded, in the form of rejection. Therefore, I wouldnt do it unless I was sure the other person felt very strongly.

I recently found a poem for an ex boyfriend (my last ex) and well it took me a little to remember I had written it for him, im surprised I never gave it to him, looking back on it now, it was very well written. I think he would have really appreciated it. But then again he wasnt too good on the romantic side, so I think i was waiting on him to do something deserving before I gave it to him, but what seems to have happened is i grew tired of waiting forever... and we broke up.

Anyway, thats all i`ve got for now.