It's unfortunate that when we feel a storm
we can roll ourselves over, 'cause we're uncomfortable
Oh well, the Devil makes us sin,
But we like it when we're spinning in his grip.
*I remember now, why I love GG. The intensity, the scenery, the exquisite clothes and soundtrack choices. UGH! That's it! Next time I find the DVD seasons, I'm buying it. Don't care what it costs.
Today I must've caught a re-run (since I hardly ever catch a show when its on for the very first time) and in one of the scenes, where the ever so despicably charming Chuck tells Blair to meet him @ 7:00 at the top of the Empire State building... I think I felt something of a soft moment. The Empire State building is the ultimate epitome of towering power. Which is exactly what Chuck and Blair’s characters are all about. I'm pretty curious to see if she meets him there on the next episode, she'd be a fool not to... She knows she loves him.
Anyway, this all brings me to my next point... Massive Attack.
Massive Attack is a band i used to absolutely ADORE. And it went hand in hand with a certain side of mine that I let reign... I think if you play this song at least once, you'll understand exactly what I'm talking about. Anyway, this all seems to tie in well with another thought that came over me earlier. I was at work, and a newly single friend of mine was telling me about the absolutely erotic and amazing sex she had the night before, and I couldn’t help but feel aroused at the thought of what she had described. And although I was very happy for her, I questioned my own happiness and fulfillment with my sex life.
I was having a conversation with a close friend last night, this one a man, and he was telling me about disliking women that cannot let go and be free in the bedroom. And when he mentioned it (referring to his ex of course) I couldn't help but think, well surely that’s not me. But then, I thought again about my last time with different partners and whether I let myself go. Answer? No. But Why? They simply weren’t sexually compatible to that degree. I had to Vanilla it down either because
a) I didn’t feel they were ready or
b) I just wasn’t comfortable/didn’t trust them.
Think I’m sharing too much yet? Too fucking bad, keep reading.
Anyway, I ended up being what I thought they were ready for, but why? Well simple I think I don’t deserve to completely exhaust all my resources for a mediocre person. But then, if I’m not doing it because of them, then why am I not doing it even for myself, for my own pleasure of the whole thing. Not sure I can answer this… Could it be that I simply don’t want to both, don’t want to put in the effort because I am dismissing them as competent partners from a start? Or, am I feeling too much of a burden of guilt of some sort, and being too caring of what they may think when I let myself go completely. I do know that I have been able to be that edgy, feisty, pushy me… but with a person that was equally as much as me, but I felt even then he was still too caring to take the play to the next level. Maybe I just haven’t met my match and I’m just tired of teaching. I don’t know anymore, or maybe I associate the extreme part of it with a side of me I dislike and I no longer identify with.
It’s amazing what writing does to introspection. What would philosophy be without writing…
Anyway, I hope you enjoy the track, I’m definitely downloading the whole new Massive Attack album and letting you know what course of action I decide to take.
xo
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